Being a parent is far from plain sailing. As kids grow up, things get more complicated, especially when they reach their teens. When there’s more than one child in the family, sibling rivalry comes into the picture too.
One mom whose daughter expects the same level of praise as her overachieving brother found herself in a pickle after she laid out some hard truths for the teen. Now her daughter is giving her the silent treatment, so she’s turned to the web for advice.
More info: Reddit
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After her sixteen-year-old daughter complained to her that her brother gets all the praise in the family, the mom sat her down for a tough talk
She explained to the teen that if she wants to be celebrated like her brother, she actually has to start earning the praise by achieving things
Her daughter didn’t take her advice well, lashing out at her brother and giving her the silent treatment
Her husband thinks she could have picked prettier words, so she’s turned to the web to ask netizens if she was a jerk for telling it like it is
Raising two teens is no walk in the park, especially when they’re like chalk and cheese. In her post, OP shares how her 14-year-old son, Jake, is excelling in school, sports, and volunteering, so the family often celebrates his wins. Her 16-year-old daughter, Katty, meanwhile, isn’t putting in much effort anywhere.
When Katty confronted OP about never being celebrated like Jake, she decided to be honest. She told Katty that while she’s deeply loved, recognition comes from pursuing goals and reaching milestones. OP’s suggestion? Try something new, work harder in school, or find a passion. Unfortunately, Katty didn’t hear support—she heard favoritism.
Well, the teen exploded, accusing her mom of playing favorites and labeling her brother the “golden child.” She lashed out at Jake, who was understandably hurt and has since retreated into his shell. The fallout? Katty is avoiding her, Jake feels awkward, and now OP and her husband are divided on whether the talk was motivational or just too blunt.
In an edit to her post, OP listed several bonding activities she’s done with Katty recently, from apple picking to spa days and driving lessons, so it’s not as if she’s an absent mom. She’s since turned to the community to ask whether or not giving Katty a reality check was a jerk move.
While OP’s daughter at first comes across as entitled, it’s likely she’s also struggling with motivation, not uncommon among teens her age. When her mom suggested some goals to aim for, it possibly led her to feel even more frustrated, which might be why she lashed out. So, how might OP turn the tense situation around? We went looking for answers.
In his YouTube video, teen coach Daniel Wong says, “When you collaborate with your teen to solve problems together, you’re helping them develop important life skills and you’re also building a stronger parent-teen relationship.”
According to Wong, many parents focus on outcomes, grades, awards, or winning competitions. “These are good goals, but they’re not entirely within your teen’s control,” explains Wong.
As a parent, it seems the best you can do is shift the focus to input goals that are tied to celebrating the process rather than output goals that focus on a specific end result. An output goal might be ‘get an A for the math exam,’ while the corresponding input goal would be ‘complete 5 extra math problems every day, ’ for example.
In her article for Sproutable, Danielle Taylor writes that the problem with praise is that it creates “praise addicts” who will crave more. According to Taylor, encouragement, on the other hand, promotes a growth mindset and rewards effort and improvement rather than obedience and perfection.
Perhaps it’s best if OP has a different talk with her tense teen, this time about what she might actually be interested in. If they can work out what she could pursue together, maybe she’ll stop feeling like she’s living in her little brother’s shadow.
How would you handle the situation if you were in OP’s shoes? Do you think her approach with her daughter was too straightforward, or was it exactly what the teen needed to hear? Let us know your opinion in the comments!
In the comments, readers said the daughter is old enough to learn how the world works and swiftly agreed the mom was not the jerk in the unhappy situation
