Infidelity is incredibly painful, and nobody wants to experience it. Whether it was the fault of unmet expectations, falling out of love, or low self-esteem, it inevitably occurs and remains the number one reason couples break up.
A Redditor, ParticularLibrary618, recently learned that his wife cheated on him 20 years ago. After receiving the news, the husband left her, saying he wanted to divorce. Wishing to finalize his decision, he turned to the “Am I Wrong” subreddit, asking its members if the way he reacted was wrong.
Scroll below to find the full story and a conversation with therapist Amanda Pikala who kindly agreed to have a chat with us about the intricacies of infidelity.
RELATED:Getting cheated on is a gut-wrenching experience
This guy recently learned his wife had several affairs 20 years ago
After receiving unexpected interest on the story, the OP shared an update
The commenters had so many questions that the author had to share a second update
Image source: ParticularLibrary618
Expert’s input on infidelity and reasons for it
According to data from “Affairs of the Heart – Global Investigations,” 18-20% of marriages face infidelity. Surprisingly, more than half of people who cheated willingly confessed to their spouses. 8% of them admitted only when asked, accused, or caught accidentally. Unfortunately, the redditor’s wife belongs to the minority and might not have revealed the affairs if she hadn’t been caught red-handed.
We reached out to therapist and mediator Amanda Pikala to learn more about the intricacies of infidelity. Naturally, we were curious to know if coming clean about having an affair that ended long ago is the best way to go.
“Absolutely! The guilt of having an affair and not disclosing it would absolutely impact their ability to connect and be vulnerable with one another. Being honest is always what is best. If you don’t disclose it, you risk the partner finding out, which is WAY worse than you disclosing it. Cheating is never okay and yet, cheating happens for a reason. And in order to address the root cause of the affair, you need to address the affair.”
A study, based on responses from 495 people who had cheated on a partner, found eight basic motivations for having an affair. At the top of the list are lack of love, neglect, and sexual desire. No longer feeling passionate and not receiving enough attention and time together are some of the strongest forces that lead to cheating.
Other times, it depended on the situation. Dylan Selterman, a social psychologist, stated that when a person is in a different setting or not quite themselves, they may have the urge to explore something that isn’t a part of their stable, everyday behavior. Anger and low self-esteem can also make people feel like cheating will improve their self-image or help them get even. Which, in most cases, it doesn’t.
Should the person who cheated have a second chance?
Having in mind that affairs for some people happen unexpectedly or very early in the relationship, partners may choose to forgive them. Infidelity doesn’t always mean a marriage is over, especially if the person at fault is truly remorseful.
When asked if the person who cheated should have a second chance, Pikala enthusiastically agreed. “Of course. When working with couples, my motto is always, “Where there is a will, there is a way.” With enough hard work from both partners, it’s absolutely possible to heal and repair after an affair. In fact, I’ve worked with many couples who say their relationship is stronger than ever after our work together.”
However, couples should not forget that repairing a relationship requires a lot of effort. She notes that “partners have to put in a ton of hard work. The participating partner (the partner who had the affair) has to stay committed to the process, owning their actions and the impact it had on the hurt partner, and not get defensive.”
“Post-affair work includes creating safety right away by agreeing to different boundaries while healing, repairing, and developing a shared narrative about why the affair occurred. It also involves having very vulnerable conversations about the pain of the affair and the guilt of the participating partner.”
The therapist also kindly shared some advice on recovering from infidelity. “Discuss different boundaries that would help you feel safer while you two heal and repair. Nobody wants to feel like they need to babysit their partner. But if the only way that you’ll feel safe enough to do the emotional work of healing the relationship requires checking their phone periodically over the next year, that needs to be okay.”
She also added, “Stay vulnerable. Share the pain and fear whenever it comes up for you. When you feel angry, find an outlet and/or express the anger in an appropriate and healthy way to your partner so they can understand and respond in a non-defensive way. If you come out swinging, they’ll match that and swing back. But if you’re soft, they are much more likely to respond gently to you, even if you’re angry, because, of course, you’re angry! That’s not hard for your partner to understand. But what is hard to respond to is big, scary, and threatening anger.”
Getting cheated on is truly a gut-wrenching experience. In such cases, the person’s first priority should be to take care of themselves, and only then should they think about the following steps, whether that would be a break-up or giving a second chance. Similarly to OP, who, despite his wife and family saying that he overreacted, made a decision that was best for him.
The people were actively supporting him in the comments
Some people advised trying to fix it
Others sympathized and shared their own stories
